First, none of us are totally independent. As it says in John 15:5 "apart from me you can do nothing." So as strong as you are today, you are disillusioned by your physical strength. “In Him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28). He supplies our very breath. He also meets our needs “according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19). God gives and takes away, over time or in a flash, according to His will, not ours.
Secondly, I am a woman of action, not excuses. My disease is one in which there is automatic qualification for disability. I could have sought out a government paid-off life, but that is not who I am or what I am about. God didn't give me the brain-power and drive to sit on the sidelines and waste away. Happiness comes from growth and purpose. God has blessed me with true joy and happiness throughout my life. Sometimes in life, you have to be your own encourager. I've felt ugly and I've felt beautiful, I've felt dumb and I've felt smart, I've felt weak and I've felt strong. Guilt and shame come from people, not God!
Thirdly, God isn't trying to break me by making me progressively weaker. God is teaching me to rely on Him and his provisions. God knows my heart and that if my will was done, I would strive to be self-reliant and self-sufficient. That's not his will, for any of us. "He doesn’t want our suffering to debilitate us, but when it feels like too much to bear, the promise of eternity and Christ’s presence keeps us from despair " "As human beings, we often have a difficult time perceiving what the Lord is doing in our life. We are limited by the passage of time, the confusion of present circumstances, and a lack of understanding regarding God’s goals and His means of accomplishing them." " The Lord doesn’t want us to simply grit our teeth and bear hardship; He desires that we trust Him and bring glory to His name through our dependence." [intouch.org]
Fourthly, I am writing these words in this blog mostly for myself. I feel unhappy because I don't long for or have growth and purpose anymore. I am gritting my teeth to try to get through each day but trying to stay strong in God's will for me. It is so hard to be not only blessed by others but to have total dependence as well on them. God wants us to grow in Christlikeness, but He doesn’t want to break our spirit. As this is my last blog, I ask that you pray I will finish strong this journey He has purposefully set for me. May I live boldly, peacefully, and effectively for His glory.